Is it spring yet where you’re at? Last week I was wandering around Portland, OR, bopping between bookstores and vintage shops on streets flush with yellow daffodils and magenta camellias that weighed down their tree branches to perfect sniffing heights. Bright green moss coated the sidewalks and old stone stairs. Everything smelled good, like fresh laundry, S. said as we walked, hand in hand during a bright window of sun. When the rains came, it felt like spring cleaning, washing the roads of ice salts and our bodies of winter’s thaw. The day before, we’d stopped at a hot spring en route from Bend, OR, and stripped to sit beneath falling snow while we soaked in mama earth’s warm waters. That felt cleansing too, those moments for silence, revering the towering pines, feeling alive, snowflakes melting upon contact with our skin.
Last winter, when I was sick (that evil month-long skull pain), my body stopped working as it should. For weeks I couldn’t regulate my temperature. I’d get so hot, sheets of sweat released down my back, then five minutes later I’d be chattering with cold, hobbling into the shower, desperately rinsing off the chill. It made no sense. Things would change so, so fast. I was stressed. I lost half my hair. Everything about me felt out of control.
Control, of course, in an illusion. But ownership and attention are different and basic components for a life that feels routinely “under control,” which is sometimes shorthand for “I exist in peace, without a rotation of forest fires to extinguish and tornados to quell.”
Our bodies snap our minds to attention all the time. A lot of factors contributed to my awakening last year, realizing I was in a situation (marriage, job) that was suiting me no longer. I had grown and changed in ways that required my attention, and of which I needed to take ownership. My body played a pivotal role in that recognition, not only forcing me to slow down and assess at times, but also in its positive heart-warming feedback. I feel so balanced in my body now, left and right hemispheres weigh equally; my depressive fogs exist but are lighter and more clear days are stacking in weeks. When I walk, I move with my core.
Landing home in Colorado, I returned to the complicit white of winter. A storm dropped half a foot of snow in the days following my return. This morning I skied up and down Aspen Mountain before work. The sky was a cloudless-bright, squint-your-eyes blue. See, I don’t mind the cold and snow so much here —the sun still reigns no matter what, and mountain-spring is close, I know.
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WHAT I’VE BEEN READING
The Awakening, by Kate Chopin, now tops my list of best-ever reads. A wealthy New Orleans family enjoys a summer holiday at a seaside resort, but not all transpires at it should. Our protagonist-narrator, Edna Pontellier, arrives as a tender mother-wife, but as she mingles with other families by the sea, an inner revolution begins to take root… she starts questioning herself and her life. Originally published in 1899, the novel and its author were effectively banned after the newspapers and critics declared it “morbid,” “unhealthy,” “not wholesome,” “vulgar,” “repellent,” and even “poison.”
Kate Chopin’s subsequent books deals were cancelled and she was forced into financial and literary isolation. She died alone in her 50s. The Awakening wasn’t reprinted until the late 1960s, and just again in 2023 for new audiences to enjoy. Having read Charlotte Brontë, Virginia Woolf, DH Lawrence, James Joyce, Stella Gibbons, Dorothy Strachey (each, in varying ways, a contemporary of sorts) all in the last six months.… I declare Kate Chopin in a league of her own! Her technical prowess is simply artistic. The tensions. The transformations. The characters. The lyricism. Never have I seen someone use words in such a precise and organic way <3
Speaking of which… Jane Eyre, by Charlotte Brontë, was another highlight. It was my first time with the timeless 1840’s novel, and I understand why it’s such a classic! I loved Jane’s journey and how true she stayed to herself. More than any other book I’ve had by my side at the cash register at Explore Booksellers, Jane Eyre solicited comments everyday, from all sorts of people, all excited for me to be reading it!
Then I read Wide Sargasso Sea, a ‘prequel’ to Jane Eyre of sorts, written in the 1960s by Jean Rhys, a creole writer who wanted to give voice and story to the “mad woman in the attic” that haunts Jane Eyre while at Mr. Rochester’s manor… and consequently everything I thought about Jane and Mr. Rochester was flipped on its head! If you liked Jane, this is a must-read!
Cold Comfort Farm, a 1932 satirical novel by Stella Gibbons, was fun to read—like a G-rated Tom Robbins crossed with Virginia Woolf. It parodies much of DH Lawrence’s work and, truly, was very silly.
Dorothy Strachey’s novelette Olivia was a tour de force! Published by the publishing house founded by Virginia Woolf and her husband Leonard in 1949, it’s a lesbian-boarding/school-coming-of-age story that I read in one sitting.
I was excited to read Forbidden Notebook, newly translated from Italian by Ann Goldstein (who translates Elena Ferrante) and written by Alba de Céspedes, a revolutionary Italian-Cuban writer jailed multiple times in the 1930-40s for anti-fascist activities and operating an Italian resistance radio program 💪🏽 Framed as a series of diary entries that span a topsy-turvy six months in 1950s Rome, we get to know Valeria, our protagonist, intimately. Her diary is no mere diary: as she writes and contemplates herself, this “forbidden notebook” becomes key to personal and secret rebellions, unlocking new ideas about the world… she brings a fresh and provoking light to humanity’s inner workings.
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WHAT I’VE BEEN LISTENING TO
Sunday evening I had the pleasure of live music! Collective joy! I saw the band Whitney with my friends Amelia and Steve in Portland.
Favorite lyrics of late:
“I’m damned if I do give a damn what people say.” —Taylor Swift, “Lavender Haze”
“I just dawned on me life is as fleeting as the passin’ dawn.” —Zach Bryan, “Dawns”
From No-No Boy’s facebook page, a tender lil music video with these words:
I will love you to the bottom I will breathe you all the way down I will turn away the concepts of time of futures unfound for now
WHAT I’VE BEEN WATCHING
Not a ton this month… (⭐️/5 stars)
Everything Everywhere All At Once ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ I first saw this when it came out, and with all the Oscar’s buzz, we had to watch it again. I loved it even more the second time, since I could enjoy more of the cinematic elements without having to pay so much attention to the plot 😅
But I’m back on the Ted Lasso train! (Don’t spoil anything!)
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WHAT I’VE BEEN EATING
An easy, great, reliable bread recipe. (Thanks, Ciara!)
WHAT I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT
In a meditation class I joined in Portland (at the gorgeous woo-woo studio), I was reminded of my responsibilities to myself. The question was: in making decisions, which self do I honor? Past, present, or future self? No spoilers here, the answer is present self. For, what future self will feel or want is something we do not know, and besides, future self will soon become present self. Likewise, past self is part of present self, so any true connection with present self will be harboring all of past self 🤝🏽
Selfishness: when is it “ok” (self care) and when it is “not ok” (individualism)?
I wish there were a word for the eager yet comforting joy of getting into a series, and another word for the sad-yearning that comes at the end of a good piece, when you remember you’ll never be able to have the first-read experience again. Unless I’m missing something?
It’s been “divorce week” at The Cut magazine—it’s been great (and entertaining) to read all the different break-up stories the crazy politics divorce can require. Just like everything else, so much variety exists in everyone’s path—no two relationships look the same, and neither do two split ups.
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WHAT I’VE BEEN LEARNING
Cue T-Swift: “I’m damned if I do give a damn what people say.” What people say doesn’t matter! Live your life! Just be a good person and retain the benefit of doubt!
How to reframe my situations with my mind. Sometimes I get so angry feeling I’ve “failed journalism,” but my therapist reminds me that journalism burnt me out, and I can return whenever I want—if I want—albeit in a new/more sustainable way. But how do we ensure we’re not delusional?
And an ongoing lesson: That present self, baby! She’s important!
How I loveeeee country dancing! S. has taken me to some dance halls and I’m obsessed. Now in search of fringe. Holler if you have any leads.
WHAT I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO
My dad will visit the Ranch in two weeks! ✨
Travel: S. and I head to Cuba on 4/22! (Plz send any recs if you have them!)
Prepping my garden beds, now that the ground is finally thawing. Winter is still in great effect here, but soon all the growth shall begin!
Update: I have a new email! Let’s stay in touch: eathenamurray@gmail.com
What’s been tickling your senses this month? Leave a comment or hit the reply button!
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Love reading your articles each month. Glad you're enjoying all of your life's experiences. Thank you for sharing them.
So proud of you Emma!!!!
Love you very much